For the Sake of the Kids, NOT!
We've all heard people say "but I stayed for the kids!" When your
marriage or relationship with your significant other really
deteriorates, the reason that you stay should never be for the kids! It
is actually detrimental to the kids. If you and your spouse are having
issues which cannot be resolved, the worst thing you can do is argue,
fight and scream or even worse, become violent in front of the kids.
Even if the kids are not in the same room, they are somewhere else in the house, please don't think that they cannot hear what is going on. Their minds will turn the words that they hear into something that may not even be said.. During anger or frustration adults often say things which they may regret later.
Your child doesn't know that! If you make a comment like "I wish I never had those kids with you!" they don't know that it's the partner you are mad at and wishing you hadn't had the kids with. Your kids will turn that into something like, "they never wanted me," or "if I hadn't been born they wouldn't be fighting right now, this is all, my fault!" Once words are spoken, they cannot be unspoken.
Kids don't even need to actually hear what is being said. The fact that there is tension in the home is scary enough for them. The tone which is used or the volume of the voices can be all that is needed to terrify children. Kids will let all kinds of thoughts run through their minds, like 'will one of my parents be hurt, will someone throw or break something?' Or worse, 'what if a parent leaves, will they ever come back and where will they go?' 'Will the parents come and take their anger out on them? This can be so terrifying for children.'
If kids are exposed to this for any length of time, it very quickly begins to affect their self-esteem, self-worth, their confidence even. It can cause anxiety, fear, shyness or cause them to be very timid. On the other hand it can cause them to become aggressive, bullies, hostile or even violent. Exposing kids to a hostile or violent environment is child abuse! It is our job as parents to protect them from abuse.
They will fear for their own safety and the safety of their parents or other siblings. It is way too much pressure and responsibility to put on them, no matter how old they are. Children have an innate natural ability to blame themselves when an adult is angry or losing control, they will blame themselves. They have no coping skills to deal with the emotions it causes which could leave emotional or mental scars which last forever.
I'm speaking totally from experience. As a child there was regularly some kind of argument, upset or even violence in my home. Often times our mother walked out in the middle of the night, while us kids lay in bed terrified that she would be on the streets, get hurt or we would never see her again. Although it has been decades, I can still feel the fear in the pit of my stomach, the sound of my heart beating way up in my head and the trembling of my entire body. It's always there and triggers are everywhere when someone yells, screams or raises their voice that's all it takes.
It doesn't ever go away. That feeling of being very small, almost invisible, unimportant is still very real.
I have gone through years of hard work, learning to control it and live with it, but it doesn't go away.
Even if the kids are not in the same room, they are somewhere else in the house, please don't think that they cannot hear what is going on. Their minds will turn the words that they hear into something that may not even be said.. During anger or frustration adults often say things which they may regret later.
Your child doesn't know that! If you make a comment like "I wish I never had those kids with you!" they don't know that it's the partner you are mad at and wishing you hadn't had the kids with. Your kids will turn that into something like, "they never wanted me," or "if I hadn't been born they wouldn't be fighting right now, this is all, my fault!" Once words are spoken, they cannot be unspoken.
Kids don't even need to actually hear what is being said. The fact that there is tension in the home is scary enough for them. The tone which is used or the volume of the voices can be all that is needed to terrify children. Kids will let all kinds of thoughts run through their minds, like 'will one of my parents be hurt, will someone throw or break something?' Or worse, 'what if a parent leaves, will they ever come back and where will they go?' 'Will the parents come and take their anger out on them? This can be so terrifying for children.'
If kids are exposed to this for any length of time, it very quickly begins to affect their self-esteem, self-worth, their confidence even. It can cause anxiety, fear, shyness or cause them to be very timid. On the other hand it can cause them to become aggressive, bullies, hostile or even violent. Exposing kids to a hostile or violent environment is child abuse! It is our job as parents to protect them from abuse.
They will fear for their own safety and the safety of their parents or other siblings. It is way too much pressure and responsibility to put on them, no matter how old they are. Children have an innate natural ability to blame themselves when an adult is angry or losing control, they will blame themselves. They have no coping skills to deal with the emotions it causes which could leave emotional or mental scars which last forever.
I'm speaking totally from experience. As a child there was regularly some kind of argument, upset or even violence in my home. Often times our mother walked out in the middle of the night, while us kids lay in bed terrified that she would be on the streets, get hurt or we would never see her again. Although it has been decades, I can still feel the fear in the pit of my stomach, the sound of my heart beating way up in my head and the trembling of my entire body. It's always there and triggers are everywhere when someone yells, screams or raises their voice that's all it takes.
It doesn't ever go away. That feeling of being very small, almost invisible, unimportant is still very real.
I have gone through years of hard work, learning to control it and live with it, but it doesn't go away.
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thank you