Overcoming School Anxiety

 

Every morning is a battle - to get out of bed, dressed and have breakfast. This is just you. What happens when your child (or children) has school anxiety? What tensions does this cause within the household? What promises do you have to make to get your child go to school?

What makes it worse for your child is the thought of going to school - their stomachs churning and that nauseous feeling we get when we feel afraid. They feel sick, may suffer from headaches and all the while, the tension inside them is getting worse. This state is not conducive to learning so they may experience episodes where they cannot recall information, are unable to listen effectively as all they want to do is escape. This affects their schoolwork. All the while, their confidence diminishes.

You may feel worn out by these daily challenges - Saturday arrives and your little boy/girl is well and full of energy. If they could just pull themselves together and make our lives easier, may run through your head.
But unfortunately, the stress response does not respond to logic. By the time it is in full mode, no amount of logic will ease the symptoms. Why? Because we try to solve it logically and the stress response does not life in the logical arena. It lives in the subconscious part of the mind

Your child cannot help feeling this way. They are not feeling sick to annoy you or misbehaving in school to upset you - they are trying to problem solve. In their minds, avoidance becomes a solution. This will also be helpful for exam anxiety.

Think about the stress response - it is fight, flight or freeze. Bad behavior may be nothing more than a defense mechanism for anxiety. Wanting to avoid school is another or feigning sickness (all avoidance). Or your child freezes, they can do nothing, say nothing and cannot move - as if they are grounded to the spot.
What can you do to help your child?
It helps if you have experienced anxiety in some instance. You know the feeling of unease and discomfort. But to understand what it means is important.
The stress response is set off due to some alert. Alerts will consist of the following:
a thought i.e. of going to school and the "what ifs" that accompany this;
a situation i.e. speaking in front of the class;
a person i.e. a teacher or fellow student who may be intimating towards the child;
a place i.e. the school building or a particular class room may create the alert that something bad may happen.

It is important to get your child to relax before attempting any of the following. In a heightened state of anxiousness, nobody can take in information. Think of how often you ask your child how school was and typically you get "fine" or "good" or "the same" but later in the evening, may be after dinner you start to hear their little stories. Why? Because they are relaxed, leaving school they are still in a state of fear and want to forget (avoidance).

You will notice whether they are in a relaxed state by their shoulders. A good way to start this process is asking them to help you, that you are practicing something new and you need their help to make sure you are doing it correctly! If your child is a teenager, explain that you want to help them feel more in control by doing this exercise.

Here are some steps that will be helpful:
Lie down on the floor or bed.
Close your eyes.
Focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath in for the count of three (count out loud), hold for the count of three and then push the breath through your mouth for the count of five. Ask your child if you have done this correctly and to do it with you.
Tense and tighten up all the muscles and then relax them in the body, starting from the toes and feet all the way up to the head. This is progressive muscle relaxation.
Ask your child to think about their tummy being calm, to be still and what would that look like and feel like.
Depending on their age, what color makes them feel strong inside.
It is important to focus on the tummy/solar plexus region. This is where our inner strength and courage lie. Yellow is an excellent color for this spot - like a giant sun warm and glowing inside.
Describe a situation where you want to feel stronger i.e. when I met with David, my boss, I stand tall (or sit up straight), my voice is my normal voice, my heart beats at a normal rhythm, I can remember what I need to say and I can hear the words coming out of my mouth. I feel good and confident.

Ask your child to describe a situation where they want to be stronger.

Just start with one area at a time.

Finish off with "I'm feeling good and strong" - you can make up your own mantra when you feel ready. This will become an automatic response for you and your child.
Count from 5 up to 1 and do a big stretch and smile.

This can be done in a few minutes or a half hour. Whatever feels right. Make a deal with your child that you will do this every evening, especially at bedtime so your child will fall asleep feeling relaxed and good.
My last piece of advice would be to encourage your child to sing in the mornings.

 Singing will help to relax the body and ease their mind. Forget about listening to news, you will hear it at work.

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Helping your child to feel stronger does not need to be difficult. But your words of be strong and you can do it are ineffective when the child is in a stressed state. Your child needs to feel strong from within and this is done by teaching them how to become relaxed and when relaxed how to feel strong inside. Children are very resourceful and as long as you are calm, they will come up with their own solutions.

If the problem requires outside help, consider seeing a hypnotherapist - the relaxed state this induces will enable your child to discus their fears more openly. There is no labeling of your child.

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