kids and teens ( When Young People Have to Make New Friends )
There are times in life when we have to accept that we need to
start over and make new friends. We may have moved school, have fallen
out with our old friends or are simply feeling restless. It's time to
move on, introduce new interests and enjoy a change.
Here are a few thoughts for young people on the times when they have to make new friends:
- It may be important to first look at improving your confidence and self-esteem levels. Some young people feel that making friends from scratch is a scary prospect; who would want to be their friend, how do they start? First reflect on all your good qualities, the things you do well, the people who like and accept you as you are. Stop the negative self talk and allow a more positive attitude and outlook to emerge.
- Identify what interests you, the type of music you like, the things that you enjoy. There is no point in regularly agreeing to go on shopping expeditions, watch football matches or attend concerts if you're really not interested in those things. Decide what you like to do, what appeals to you and then identify who also is interested in those activities. See if there's a club, group or society which provides regular meetings where you can mix with people who have similar interests to you on a regular basis.
- Take new relationships steady. If you go somewhere regularly, like the shopping mall, a club, a sports track, what about those people who go at a similar time to you? Smile and say hello. There's sure to be an opportunity where you can strike up a conversation, ask if they have time for a coffee or would perhaps be interested in seeing a film sometime. At school there are opportunities to chat on a more regular basis, to discuss homework, teachers, other school friends and grow a relationship more steadily.
- Notice how other people socialise. Social skills are learned over time. In nursery school new children stand to one side and watch how the group interacts before they decide to join in. They pay attention which children they like, who they'd feel most comfortable with, what is regarded as 'normal' behaviour, who they're uneasy about. As we become a little older forming new relationships is no different. Discovering what is regarded as acceptable in a group enables a newcomer fit in more easily.
- Be flexible. Sometimes it's important to have a go and try new experiences. Saying 'yes' to opportunities is important as a way of expanding your circle of interests but equally it's important not to regularly go along with things out of a desire to fit in or be accepted. Doing that is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness. Plus it sends out the wrong message; that you like and are interested in things that you're really not that keen on.
- Accept invitations. Whilst it's not a good idea to regularly do what you don't like to do, occasionally going somewhere new, even somewhere that may not sound too appealing can be a useful introduction to new people or interests. And you may surprise yourself at how well the opportunity turns out.
- Rejection shouldn't necessarily be taken personally. Sometimes people are busy doing other things, are not especially keen on your suggestion or are genuinely not available. Remember, there are some times when you too will have declined invitations for similar reasons. Be pragmatic, maybe ask for feedback on your suggestions and focus on developing the people and activities that appeal to you.
- Keep positive and have a second choice up your sleeve. If there are times, even on your birthday, when you've nothing arranged, use that time to do things that you like maybe with family. Let them look after you, give you treats, spoil you. What are your favourite things to eat, what about an evening watching that film you've long wanted to see, use the time to read a book or listen to music and enjoy having time for yourself.
Accept that not everyone in life will be a special friend. Over time we all acquire an assortment of people who are great friends, but are maybe limited to certain spheres of our life; some may be great pals at school, others may be people we spend time with from our neighbourhood, others are family, as we get older there will be work colleagues.
Appreciate the different relationships and accept their role in your life and even their limitations. Enjoy the different opportunities that these relationships bring into your life. By adopting a more chilled attitude you may well find it easier to make new friends, have a full social diary, several real friends and many interesting activities to enjoy.
Here are a few thoughts for young people on the times when they have to make new friends:
- It may be important to first look at improving your confidence and self-esteem levels. Some young people feel that making friends from scratch is a scary prospect; who would want to be their friend, how do they start? First reflect on all your good qualities, the things you do well, the people who like and accept you as you are. Stop the negative self talk and allow a more positive attitude and outlook to emerge.
- Identify what interests you, the type of music you like, the things that you enjoy. There is no point in regularly agreeing to go on shopping expeditions, watch football matches or attend concerts if you're really not interested in those things. Decide what you like to do, what appeals to you and then identify who also is interested in those activities. See if there's a club, group or society which provides regular meetings where you can mix with people who have similar interests to you on a regular basis.
- Take new relationships steady. If you go somewhere regularly, like the shopping mall, a club, a sports track, what about those people who go at a similar time to you? Smile and say hello. There's sure to be an opportunity where you can strike up a conversation, ask if they have time for a coffee or would perhaps be interested in seeing a film sometime. At school there are opportunities to chat on a more regular basis, to discuss homework, teachers, other school friends and grow a relationship more steadily.
- Notice how other people socialise. Social skills are learned over time. In nursery school new children stand to one side and watch how the group interacts before they decide to join in. They pay attention which children they like, who they'd feel most comfortable with, what is regarded as 'normal' behaviour, who they're uneasy about. As we become a little older forming new relationships is no different. Discovering what is regarded as acceptable in a group enables a newcomer fit in more easily.
- Be flexible. Sometimes it's important to have a go and try new experiences. Saying 'yes' to opportunities is important as a way of expanding your circle of interests but equally it's important not to regularly go along with things out of a desire to fit in or be accepted. Doing that is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness. Plus it sends out the wrong message; that you like and are interested in things that you're really not that keen on.
- Accept invitations. Whilst it's not a good idea to regularly do what you don't like to do, occasionally going somewhere new, even somewhere that may not sound too appealing can be a useful introduction to new people or interests. And you may surprise yourself at how well the opportunity turns out.
- Rejection shouldn't necessarily be taken personally. Sometimes people are busy doing other things, are not especially keen on your suggestion or are genuinely not available. Remember, there are some times when you too will have declined invitations for similar reasons. Be pragmatic, maybe ask for feedback on your suggestions and focus on developing the people and activities that appeal to you.
- Keep positive and have a second choice up your sleeve. If there are times, even on your birthday, when you've nothing arranged, use that time to do things that you like maybe with family. Let them look after you, give you treats, spoil you. What are your favourite things to eat, what about an evening watching that film you've long wanted to see, use the time to read a book or listen to music and enjoy having time for yourself.
Accept that not everyone in life will be a special friend. Over time we all acquire an assortment of people who are great friends, but are maybe limited to certain spheres of our life; some may be great pals at school, others may be people we spend time with from our neighbourhood, others are family, as we get older there will be work colleagues.
Appreciate the different relationships and accept their role in your life and even their limitations. Enjoy the different opportunities that these relationships bring into your life. By adopting a more chilled attitude you may well find it easier to make new friends, have a full social diary, several real friends and many interesting activities to enjoy.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples
experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and
understanding and with business clients to support the health and
motivation levels of individuals and teams.
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