How I Used Summer Play to Improve My Daughter's Social Skills

How I Used Summer Play to Improve My Daughter's Social Skills kids and teens

"... she had a lot of fun playing with her friends. Then, Mimi realized that she was sooo hungry. Her friend Esther was crunching on delicious potato chips and she really, really wanted some. So, she went over to Esther and... what did she do, Ella?"
"Um... she, took some chips from Esther's bag?" Ella ventured hesitantly.

"Do you think that would be a good idea? Let's brainstorm some more," I gently suggested.
"I know! She made sure to say thank you afterwards!" She exclaimed.

I swallowed a sigh and smiled at her encouragingly. Eight year old Ella was lying in bed. Listening to my bedtime story, her eyes wide and her black curls spread on her pillow like a halo, she looked positively angelic to me. Angelic and lovable, that was my little girl.

To her loving family, at least, I mused sadly.

Her classmates and neighbors didn't seem to think so.

I had always had the suspicion that Ella was a bit "off" socially. Watching her as she played (or tried to, at least) with the neighborhood children and her classmates made that abundantly clear to me. And seeing their reactions to her overtures only reinforced my observations.

My role was to be her loving mom. As such, my perceptions of the situation were lovingly skewed and I was naturally forgiving. Oh, she'll outgrow it, I would think fondly.

Her teacher Miss Lasri's role was to be a concerned professional educator, however. That had her looking at the situation through a different lens.

As first grade was drawing to a close, Miss Lasri called me to discuss Ella. In the matter-of-fact discussion that followed, she made it clear that Ella needed some help with her social skills. She suggested that we look into social skills coaching for the following school year, and suggested ways to help her myself.
Our conversation opened my eyes to the situation and changed my perception. I was still firmly planted in my role as loving mom. But I would be ditching my 'live and let live' attitude and replacing it with a determined, I'll-help-my-daughter-improve-drastically attitude.

With the determination of a devoted mother, I threw myself into doing research and reading up ways to help Ella work on the various skills that needed boosting. I used the information I found to draw up an official Plan of Action, as I privately referred to it, which included different techniques and methods I could use to coach her during everyday life.

The implementation of the Plan of Action (don't you just love how official that sounds?) made for lots of fun times and scenarios. The bedtime story routine I mentioned above is just one of the many tricks in my pocket.

There was the time that the neighbors made a picnic and I watched Ella during the kids' conversation. She alternated between daydreaming and then jumping up in confusion when someone tried to include her, or barging in and trying to monopolize the conversation.

Later, when we were home, I proposed that just for the fun, we have a mock picnic of our own. I broke out the popcorn and lemonade and proceeded to act out in an exaggerated version of Ella's own earlier behavior. She got the kicks out of my silly antics. We laughingly discussed how I could do better. When I had her model the correct behavior afterwards, I was amazed to see her getting the hang of it.
I also made sure to spend a lot of time with her.

It was summer vacation after all, and there was plenty of extra time to go around. The methods I was able to implement during our time together were endless. Under the guise of our new fun game to create impromptu plays on the spot, we would role play how to handle social situations properly. I made sure to focus those sessions on areas which she needed improvement.

A passerby listening in on my running monologue during a shopping trip at the mall would be left scratching his head.

"I love this shirt! I wonder if they carry it in blue? Let's ask this nice saleslady. Excuse me, does this shirt come in blue?"

When the saleslady would go fetch the requested item, I would turn to Ella. "Ella, what did it forget? I did say excuse me, but I forgot to say... that's right! I forgot to say thank you! I'll make sure to say thank you when she brings me the shirt. Did you notice how I looked into her eyes when I spoke to her? I did a good job, didn't I? Hey, how about you wait in line and pay for the shirt? I'd love to how nice and clear yo speak to the clerk and what an awesome job you do with eye contact."

The eavesdropping passerby might be scratching his head at my onslaught, but Ella seemed to take it all in stride. She thrived on the extra attention and looked at my new social skills obsession as our private fun little game. Of course, I made sure not to overwhelm her. After a heavy session like the one I just described, we'd spend the ride home in quiet contemplation and idle chatter.

One important step I took was signing her up Ella to a swimming class. She had always loved swimming and had been begging me to let her join when she heard about the group forming. It proved to be an excellent opportunity to interact with a group of peers that shared the same interest. Most of the girls were new to her. She had a chance to make a brand new impression on girls who didn't know her from before. The environment as they splashed and bantered in the water was laid back and non-threatening. It was the perfect place to practice her newly gained skills.

My husband and my mother, with whom we spent every Sunday during the summer, were roped into action as well. Looking back, I can say that our daughter received high impact coaching that was quite professional, if I may say so myself. The fact that it was all done in her home environment in a way that she was barely aware that there was "coaching" going on definitely added to the effect.

Above all, I wasn't shy when it came to showering her with effusive praise and encouragement every time she did something right.

It became second nature to me. I found myself constantly sneaking in these techniques throughout my day, with Ella and eventually her siblings too. It was like a program running in the background, barely registering in the consciousness of me or the recipients, while accomplishing an awful lot.

Now, Ella is a happy, well adjusted second grade girl. Two weeks into the school year, I received a routine getting-to-know-you phone call from her teacher. During our conversation she expressed surprise that the previous teacher had made a notation in Ella's file mentioning a possible need for social skills coaching.

Did Ella magically transform into Miss Popularity surrounded with giggling gaggles of friends? By far not. Did she gradually blossom into a confident child with ever growing social skills who was increasingly liked and accepted by her friends? With gratitude and deep satisfaction, I can answer a resounding yes.
Ella gained valuable lessons over time. But the lesson I learned is just as important: never underestimate the power of a determined mom.