One Simple Way To Deflect Your Child's Tantrums
Squealing children are a phenomenon no number of parenting books
can prepare you for. The advice and ideas disseminated are more than
fair, but it's another thing to feel your own blood boil and try and
keep a levelled voice while you child near spits his/her anger at you. I
sometimes wonder if my children's tantrums are past karma, or the
glorious initiations into a new chapter of life as a mature adult and
parent. Either way, I have really had to push and explore and run
through all the options to find one that seems to work.
Surprisingly the option is quite simple, and it relies not on my power and strength as the older party but in my compassion and love as a parent. Over the years I realized that screaming or staring back at my kids when they were in the throes of an ecstatic tantrum only made things worse; in reality it just added fuel to fire. Sometimes, yes, it shut them up, but only for as long before the next tantrum hit the roof.
So instead of intimidating or bullying my kids I decided a novel approach- one that respected their right to be upset when I said the much resented 'no'. I found as parents we often overlook that bare simple fact that our kids are children. This does not just mean toys and soft puffy clouds; it also means they are yet to master the craft of communication and articulate expression.
Their tantrums aren't because they necessarily feel strongly about what they are saying, but because our unmoving stance makes them feel helpless and therefore frustrated. You can say tantrums are our kid's ridiculously inappropriate attempts to assert their frail and developing egos, and therefore while I will not change my stance I must take care not to trample their egos either.
So now I one simple way to deflect my child's tantrums, and possibly yours' too- I respect their space and do not trample their boundaries. Instead of asserting myself in their little worlds, I invite them into mine to find a negotiation- I choose not to respond or react at all outside it. But furthermore, the rules in my space are clear- calm, collected communication only; tears are allowed and emotion is appreciated but tantrums are not tolerated.
To reinforce my approach I used the power of silent communication, for after my extremely talkative girl I realized vocal negotiation can sometimes be just as futile as it is exhausting. Once in my space hugs are aplenty, and I like to hold their hand and look them straight in the eyes as I talk. I like to sit on the floor to make sure our eyes are level with each other, and make sure not to be too in their face so they can actually think and reflect for themselves.
More than anything, I know what my kid wants when she is crying is comforting, and she knows not matter how angry she may be with me the hugs are aplenty in my space. Somehow that seems to do the trick and she tends to calm down when she realizes mommy will only speak once she submits to the rules of negotiation.
Yes, I must admit this is a long and painstaking approach that can make for some rather difficult and embarrassing situations in the beginning. But in the long run it pays off big time, especially as it encourages your child to think, choose and respond for him/herself.
Surprisingly the option is quite simple, and it relies not on my power and strength as the older party but in my compassion and love as a parent. Over the years I realized that screaming or staring back at my kids when they were in the throes of an ecstatic tantrum only made things worse; in reality it just added fuel to fire. Sometimes, yes, it shut them up, but only for as long before the next tantrum hit the roof.
So instead of intimidating or bullying my kids I decided a novel approach- one that respected their right to be upset when I said the much resented 'no'. I found as parents we often overlook that bare simple fact that our kids are children. This does not just mean toys and soft puffy clouds; it also means they are yet to master the craft of communication and articulate expression.
Their tantrums aren't because they necessarily feel strongly about what they are saying, but because our unmoving stance makes them feel helpless and therefore frustrated. You can say tantrums are our kid's ridiculously inappropriate attempts to assert their frail and developing egos, and therefore while I will not change my stance I must take care not to trample their egos either.
So now I one simple way to deflect my child's tantrums, and possibly yours' too- I respect their space and do not trample their boundaries. Instead of asserting myself in their little worlds, I invite them into mine to find a negotiation- I choose not to respond or react at all outside it. But furthermore, the rules in my space are clear- calm, collected communication only; tears are allowed and emotion is appreciated but tantrums are not tolerated.
To reinforce my approach I used the power of silent communication, for after my extremely talkative girl I realized vocal negotiation can sometimes be just as futile as it is exhausting. Once in my space hugs are aplenty, and I like to hold their hand and look them straight in the eyes as I talk. I like to sit on the floor to make sure our eyes are level with each other, and make sure not to be too in their face so they can actually think and reflect for themselves.
More than anything, I know what my kid wants when she is crying is comforting, and she knows not matter how angry she may be with me the hugs are aplenty in my space. Somehow that seems to do the trick and she tends to calm down when she realizes mommy will only speak once she submits to the rules of negotiation.
Yes, I must admit this is a long and painstaking approach that can make for some rather difficult and embarrassing situations in the beginning. But in the long run it pays off big time, especially as it encourages your child to think, choose and respond for him/herself.
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