She Loves Me And She Hates Me
It is a story of two Oriental spouses, who were simple souls, but had different values in life.
He believed that in the modern world, children neglect parents in old age, and they must rectify this erratic, thankless behavior.
She believed that a successful wife is one, who is supreme - over and above all earlier relations - in her husband's thoughts and dreams.
In married life, spouses may not sustain mutual love or respect indefinitely.
We are all imperfect, unlike God.
The spouses have grown up in different social environments.
They are bound to have different opinions, and hence ego clashes.
There will be dissonance in the home, which is a healthy sign in a married life, as long as there is no trust deficit.
Ego clashes - within limits - spice up the married life.
Reconciliation between spouses, after a seemingly, never-ending fight is a sweetest experience in life, which sometimes motivates the spouses to have orchestrated fights.
What does she think about her husband:
He is OK - a mix of positive and negative traits.
*First positive trait:
He is not greedy of my money, for his enjoyment
*First negative trait:
He is crazy, in his gratefulness towards his parents.
All parents look after their children.
He insists that he must be available to ageing parents, in hours of need.
Every now and then, he wants to communicate with them.
Who is to take priority in our married life?
Me, and our children or my old in-laws!
I don't understand.
My friends too have their in-laws.
They come as a guest, couple of times in a year for few days.
That's it!
In spite of his whims and fancies, we stayed independently as a nuclear family.
His parents visit us for short durations, once in two years, but it is never a pleasant experience for me.
His conversation at home, was parent-centric, in the early years of marriage.
I had to listen, till he realised that I was not interested in it.
He is OK, otherwise.
*He has more positive traits:
A devoted father!
A frugal earning family member, who spends judiciously and knows how to live within his own means.
*Second negative trait:
He is unable to tell his parents, when they are wrong.
40 years ago, my in-laws humiliated me.
I am unable to forget my In-laws indiscrete action, till today.
I had gone alone to meet them.
During a routine discussion, I was asked to leave their home.
I don't think, I was rude or I was disrespectful.
My husband expected me to forgive and forget!
There was another incident in our house, 20 years ago, which I didn't appreciate.
They felt offended and created a scene.
These two incidents - which occurred 40 years and 20 years earlier - have cast a dark shadow on our married life.
I fail to understand, why he is not correcting their behaviour.
He just advises me to forget and forgive.
It is not that easy.
Luckily his parents, didn't stay with us permanently.
They stayed with their younger son's family, most of the time.
Whenever they came to our house, it always resulted in a bitter taste for me.
I expected my husband to set them right.
He was and is still reluctant to do the needful - a typical son in an Oriental culture.
I retaliate by withdrawing away from him, emotionally.
He continues to adore them.
He is 70 and my in-laws are 93 and 87.
I refuse to have warm relations with them.
I know my husband expects me to communicate with them - in view of their age.
I do it formally, but I am not warm towards in-laws.
*Some more positive traits:
He looks after my finances - taxes, mutual funds, and bank accounts.
He is frugal, and so tries his hand in all repairs - electrical, plumbing, and repairing household gadgets.
He does reasonable job, but it is no match to professional expertise.
I never appreciate, but he doesn't listen.
*Third negative trait
He is untidy in personal hygiene.
He is quite comfortable in his cluttered study room and with his untidy cupboard - stuffed with his clothes, as if it was a store-room.
Analysis
I often wonder, if I am living a successful life.
In Western culture, we might have divorced long ago.
Or else, we would be a laughing-stock in social circles.
There is still a huge gap between Oriental and Occidental cultures, which is fast getting filled up.
We can't dream of divorce, as it would hurt our married children.
They love both of us.
We may not talk with each other, for months.
But I will still keep serving him and look after him.
We may sleep in different rooms.
We may not have time to eat together.
But we will go together to see a movie every week, in a theatre.
And we will continue to enjoy the sweet and sour relations between us, till death do us apart.
We both cherish the sweet memories of our 40 years association.
But we are imperfect enough, not to live in the moment and enjoy the present, due to trust deficit.
May God bless us!
Amen!
He believed that in the modern world, children neglect parents in old age, and they must rectify this erratic, thankless behavior.
She believed that a successful wife is one, who is supreme - over and above all earlier relations - in her husband's thoughts and dreams.
In married life, spouses may not sustain mutual love or respect indefinitely.
We are all imperfect, unlike God.
The spouses have grown up in different social environments.
They are bound to have different opinions, and hence ego clashes.
There will be dissonance in the home, which is a healthy sign in a married life, as long as there is no trust deficit.
Ego clashes - within limits - spice up the married life.
Reconciliation between spouses, after a seemingly, never-ending fight is a sweetest experience in life, which sometimes motivates the spouses to have orchestrated fights.
What does she think about her husband:
He is OK - a mix of positive and negative traits.
*First positive trait:
He is not greedy of my money, for his enjoyment
*First negative trait:
He is crazy, in his gratefulness towards his parents.
All parents look after their children.
He insists that he must be available to ageing parents, in hours of need.
Every now and then, he wants to communicate with them.
Who is to take priority in our married life?
Me, and our children or my old in-laws!
I don't understand.
My friends too have their in-laws.
They come as a guest, couple of times in a year for few days.
That's it!
In spite of his whims and fancies, we stayed independently as a nuclear family.
His parents visit us for short durations, once in two years, but it is never a pleasant experience for me.
His conversation at home, was parent-centric, in the early years of marriage.
I had to listen, till he realised that I was not interested in it.
He is OK, otherwise.
*He has more positive traits:
A devoted father!
A frugal earning family member, who spends judiciously and knows how to live within his own means.
*Second negative trait:
He is unable to tell his parents, when they are wrong.
40 years ago, my in-laws humiliated me.
I am unable to forget my In-laws indiscrete action, till today.
I had gone alone to meet them.
During a routine discussion, I was asked to leave their home.
I don't think, I was rude or I was disrespectful.
My husband expected me to forgive and forget!
There was another incident in our house, 20 years ago, which I didn't appreciate.
They felt offended and created a scene.
These two incidents - which occurred 40 years and 20 years earlier - have cast a dark shadow on our married life.
I fail to understand, why he is not correcting their behaviour.
He just advises me to forget and forgive.
It is not that easy.
Luckily his parents, didn't stay with us permanently.
They stayed with their younger son's family, most of the time.
Whenever they came to our house, it always resulted in a bitter taste for me.
I expected my husband to set them right.
He was and is still reluctant to do the needful - a typical son in an Oriental culture.
I retaliate by withdrawing away from him, emotionally.
He continues to adore them.
He is 70 and my in-laws are 93 and 87.
I refuse to have warm relations with them.
I know my husband expects me to communicate with them - in view of their age.
I do it formally, but I am not warm towards in-laws.
*Some more positive traits:
He looks after my finances - taxes, mutual funds, and bank accounts.
He is frugal, and so tries his hand in all repairs - electrical, plumbing, and repairing household gadgets.
He does reasonable job, but it is no match to professional expertise.
I never appreciate, but he doesn't listen.
*Third negative trait
He is untidy in personal hygiene.
He is quite comfortable in his cluttered study room and with his untidy cupboard - stuffed with his clothes, as if it was a store-room.
Analysis
I often wonder, if I am living a successful life.
In Western culture, we might have divorced long ago.
Or else, we would be a laughing-stock in social circles.
There is still a huge gap between Oriental and Occidental cultures, which is fast getting filled up.
We can't dream of divorce, as it would hurt our married children.
They love both of us.
We may not talk with each other, for months.
But I will still keep serving him and look after him.
We may sleep in different rooms.
We may not have time to eat together.
But we will go together to see a movie every week, in a theatre.
And we will continue to enjoy the sweet and sour relations between us, till death do us apart.
We both cherish the sweet memories of our 40 years association.
But we are imperfect enough, not to live in the moment and enjoy the present, due to trust deficit.
May God bless us!
Amen!
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thank you